I’ve made choices this week that were reminiscent of choices I used to make when I was back living in London, responding to the demands of my job. Choosing to push on through and finish up into the early hours of the morning: get things done, fit in as much as I can. It’s left me drained and tired.
Why did I do this?
I forgot that there was another way to do things. To draw my boundary lines and say no to that which doesn’t serve me. I reacted to how I was feeling and forgot that I always have a choice.
My choices have consequences. Right now, I’m feeling as though all I want to do is sleep, rather than get out and explore, now that I’ve finished the course (wahoo!)
I started going back over the week and working out what I could have done differently. Looked at where I could have stopped to rest, or chosen a different way. Even though it’s done.
And as I started to think about this a little voice in my head said, "You’re doing ok, you’ll do better next time."
This made me laugh.
I remembered that there used to be another voice, a voice that said, "Claire you’re so stupid, will you ever learn?”.
That one, when it tries to show itself, gets severely walloped. Banged on the head away from me, out of my awareness.
But this new one made me laugh. Because it’s the old one dressed up. It’s the sophisticated version, the rational version, the sensible, measured response to my own self-evaluation.
It’s the same voice.
What is the voice ultimately saying?
It’s saying: “You’re not good enough”
It’s taken me a long time to understand that it’s the same voice. It’s taken me time to bring it into the light and see it for what it is.
But its subtlety of appearance, its constant changing of disguise makes me smile, because this shows me how far I’ve come. It hung out with me for years as “You’re so stupid, what were you thinking?” and now it’s scrambling for a new line.
What do I say to this voice?
I’m more than enough. That’s all it needs.