The kind of whispers we’ve all heard went through my head:
"It’s inevitable - you can’t have good health all the time."
"You’re just getting older, it’s totally normal."
"Everyone has stress in their job, but we all have to work don’t we?"
I started wearing glasses for distance.
I carried all the stress I was feeling in my eyes, staring at the screen, always scanning quickly and worrying I was going to miss a mistake or not meet my deadline.
I noticed that I couldn’t read the train boards for the Underground; the bright lights were a bit fuzzy.
I developed what felt like RSI in my right wrist (and then in my left one).
I was often sick with colds and flu, whereas I’d been used to always being healthy and rarely taken a day off work.
I was constantly tired and irritable, where previously I’d been the cheery one, the general team morale booster.
I was crying a lot, both at work and at home and I felt drained and exhausted, always playing catch up.
It felt as though my job was making me sick.
My body was telling me what was wrong. It showed up physically, emotionally and mentally in different forms of pain.
Within me there was unfulfilled expression. I knew I wasn’t using half the skills and talents I had and wanted to use, and an office wasn’t the environment in which I wanted to live and work.
Pain is very very useful.
It’s not that it doesn’t hurt. (It does!)
Pain can prompt us to look at what’s not working. It’s an opportunity to see where you’re out of balance, not at ease. Somewhere, something isn’t flowing.
I’m really grateful that the pain showed up when it did.
It got so bad that I had to take notice. My body was giving me a wake up call, the yet subconscious, deepest part of me trying to communicate. My Highest Self saying “You have dreams but you’re not going towards them.You’re ignoring them."
It wasn’t much to worry about when one or two things weren’t going right, but after a while, and adding up the signs, I realised something had to change.
I felt as though my life was like the Titanic, heading towards the iceberg.
Once you've seen it up ahead, you frantically start trying to turn, but you know that it’s inevitable that something within you will crash sooner or later.
Yet I realised that actually, I had the exact same amount of power I had the week before that happened. And the week before that.
I had got used to being a certain way, doing things as I’d always done them so I thought I couldn’t change unless something happened.
In fact, I hadn’t become any more brave or courageous or daring.
I’d just changed my decision - to use the power I already had.
Will you let your pain get that bad before you realise you have the power to change something NOW?