It's a dance (on listening to your heart)

How much do you listen to your heart? 

Saying no ‘feels’ wrong sometimes. You're convinced you'll hurt someone’s feelings. You feel uncommitted. It means ending a relationship. 

And sometimes saying no is about aligning with what your instinct tells you, however crazy it 'sounds'. 

Since leaving my corporate job last year, I’ve been facing decisions about where to live in Italy, what type of situation or community I should be part of and how I should settle here. 

Recently, there have been the kind of challenges that left me asking myself whether I even want to live in Italy at all. 

There were some decisions that required a 'yes' or a 'no'. 

This week I said 'no' to the part time teaching job that I took just a month ago. I left it. 

The logical, practical part of my being was telling me that leaving would be wrong. I was leaving a community, income, routine, personal development. 

For most of my life I’ve stuck it out, stayed the course and been committed. For most of my life I’ve done what was expected. I’ve been rewarded with labels. Loyal. Reliable. Committed. 

This time, I disrupted that. I left. Part of me was screeching ‘You’re a heel, you’re walking away without any regard for anyone else? Where’s your commitment?’ 

'You’re such a flake leaving ANOTHER job. You can’t get it right. You’re 'looking' for happiness and you need to find some commitment girl.' 

And more sneakily: ‘You could do some good work here. Your skills are needed. If you don’t stay, you’re letting them down.'

And yet, my heart said to me, quietly, ‘This isn’t right for you. Leave.’ 

And I listened. 

I listened, because this journey is teaching me that I can, and I must, trust myself. And sometimes, yes, that’s a practical, sensible decision. And sometimes it’s appears to be a crazy one. 

Trusting ourselves is often the antithesis of the way we’re taught. 

Don’t trust our bodies - they are sinful. 

Don’t trust our instincts - they are bad. 

Don’t trust the fleeting thoughts we have - they’re wrong. Pie in the sky. Pipe dreams. 

It’s not a red button and green button. It’s a dance. Sometimes I get the steps wrong. But my heart is at peace with this one. My soul has been light. And my passion and commitment to creating my vision have soared. 

Here’s what I’ve learned this week: I answer to myself.

What's your heart telling you to do?