So I was chatting away at dinner the other day and I was talking about my Chemistry GCSE result (no, I can’t remember why). And I couldn’t remember what it was, so with a furrow in my brow was saying quizzically “Was it an A or a B? I think it was a B. I can’t remember."
My housemate just looked at me and said:
“You’re such a d*ck”
There was a couple of seconds where we looked at each other and I tried to explain that I was genuinely trying to remember. After all it was over a decade ago I took the exams.
But the funny thing was….I didn’t much care.
And it (metaphorically) hit me straight in the face.
I’ve stopped caring what people think.
When you step off the beaten path, when you take a different direction, we have this tendency to stress about what everyone is going to say. Our parents. Our friends. Colleagues. Facebook friends. Instagram followers.
About everything. The results you get, the money you charge, the lifestyle choices you make.
I was the WORST at this.
I didn’t tell ANYONE when I invested in my first coach. I was scared I would get into a big argument about ‘what I should spend my money on’.
I was physically shaking the morning of our work breakfast meeting when it was announced I was going to start working part time….I feared the questions, the explanations and the weird looks or worst, avoidance.
I kept my natural coaching ability a closely guarded secret…guess what - that didn’t get me any clients.
I even felt some kind of shame about posting about the beautiful Italian sunsets, the delicious food and the hot sunny days I was enjoying in Italy…in case people got jealous and stopped wanting to hang out with me.
I had a fear of telling people how much I charge for my coaching in case they judged me.
More recently, I follow a different approach to dating and relationships than ANYONE else I know…guess what, I’ve been scared to share that one unless pushed.
WHY THE FUCK?
As women (and some men), we have this crazy fear that if we are beautiful, strong, determined, focused, wealthy and having a fucking amazing life (with clear firm boundaries)…
...we’re a bitch.
In Australia they call it Tall Poppy Syndrome (too tall, needs to be cut down).
We’re a bitch because we must have been shitty or shifty to get where we are (as in ‘it’s not possible’ to get where you are and stay in integrity)
We’re a bitch because we are only looking out for ourselves and we stop caring about others.
We’re a bitch because we’re not considering other people’s feelings.
We’re a bitch because our success is not encouraging for other people, it just makes them desperate (yeh, figure that one out!)
When someone gets jealous, pissed off or triggered by what you’re saying and doing, it’s about THEM.
Not about you.
I struggled with this for SO LONG.
I convinced myself that I was going to hurt everyone if I enjoyed my life.
I didn’t allow myself to really relish each moment, however simple and joyful or big and fabulous the moment was, I immediately began to worry about people in my life who weren't happy and do myself down.
It showed up as self-sabotage for YEARS.
And this moment with my housemate - was not about me. And it wasn’t my responsibility to do myself down or make myself small. Frankly, that does neither of us any good.
I’m not talking about showing off, boasting or lording what you have over other people.
I’m talking about blossoming into who you are rather than staying curled up tight in a ball.
I’m talking about allowing yourself to fly into your best, so you can live your best life and fulfil your purpose.
And if you’re feeling uncomfortable about this email and what I’m saying…GOOD ON YOU…here’s a place for you to try something different, choose another path, stretch those wings and become big and glorious for the benefit of us all.
Marianne Williamson’s famous quote was this glimmer of light to me for so many years:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
And maybe you’re the one thinking someone else is a dick because they decided to ask for more, stand up for their greatness or stretch themselves.
If it’s triggering you, get curious.
What’s the feeling?
What’s the fear?
What’s the pain?
I know what it’s like to try and face this WITHOUT SUPPORT. Many women (and men!) try and make it on their own, without anyone to have their back, lean on when it gets tough and help them see their brilliance when they can’t see it for themselves.
What areas could you have more support? What's stopping you?