When I was growing up, obedience equalled safety. And for the most part, that's smart: don't touch the fire you'll burn your hand, take a coat, otherwise you'll be cold.
At some point though you have to reaffirm your sense of self - so you have to decide for yourself what is dangerous or not.
Except if you're in a belief system that says it's not safe to:
- express yourself how you want to
- connect with who it feels good to connect to
- listen to your intuition
- listen to your body wisdom
and anything else that the patriarchy tries to control...
you have to get disobedient.
I used to thrive on being obedient. It was easy - go along with what I was told to do and everything would be ok.
Except then it wasn't.
Even after I left the church; left that community, I was scared to be disobedient.
Scared to say how I was feeling.
Scared to ask for what I needed.
Scared to follow my heart.
Scared to decide what was true for me and what wasn’t.
Scared to decide that truth wasn’t what the rest of my community said it was.
Scared to say what I really thought at work.
Scared to have sex before marriage.
Scared to put my needs first.
Scared to be outspoken and say what no one else was saying.
Scared to take a stand for things I believed in
I was so scared because I was conditioned to believe bad things would happen if I didn't follow Jesus, go to church, believe in the authority of the bible or listen to my church leaders.
Specifically; I thought I would go to hell. Because although 'your sins are forgiven': past, present and future, if you KNOW something is wrong, you're negating what Jesus did for you. If you really believed in Jesus, 'go and sin no more', type thing.
This is where you realise the gospel isn't really a choice if you've never had the opportunity to believe anything else. It felt such a relief to me when I found out other people felt this and some people have labelled this religious abuse.
I was stuck in a mind fuck because it felt UNSAFE for me to believe something different. My body and mind were at odds - my body was telling me one thing and my mind was screaming: NO, THIS IS NOT SAFE, YOU'LL DIE.
This might sound rather dramatic, but honestly, this is the message I received as a young child. So of course, it lived in the same part of my brain as 'You'll die if you don't look before you cross the road'
Breaking that up took some working through.
And the best way to work through something is to ACT through it - do the opposite.
One act of disobedience was to start seeing a man who wasn't in the church. He didn't think much of the church. This made him an act of disobedience.
Another act of disobedience was when I hired my first coach. It was 2009 and many people were fearful of buying online, let alone buying something intangible like services. I mean, what if she didn't deliver? (She did - and it was the best decision ever!)
I didn't tell anyone what I'd done. It was a secret act of disobedience, because I was putting myself and what I thought above what anyone else thought. I had been taught to do the opposite. Hell, I didn’t know anything, I was a woman.
Another act of disobedience was speaking about my experience in the church, speaking my truth of how I felt and what I experienced. Even when I knew I would receive messages about it, from people I care about and who I know might not get it.
A woman has to be true to herself BEFORE ANYONE OR ANYTHING ELSE.
This is the way of the witch.
This is the way of the disobedient woman.
Yesterday, I had a really uncomfortable call with my small group coaching (I was being coached).
I felt wrong for being there, I felt wrong for what I said and how I showed up. I wasn't being shamed (I was with a group of amazing women), but I felt shame. I felt shame for bringing the wrong thing to the wrong place.
BUT I KNEW it was right for me.
If you're an intuitive woman and you have a big vision, I'm going to let you in on this: you're going to have to be disobedient.
You're going to have to go against the rules that everyone else is telling you in order to follow your own path.
You're going to have break down the taboos and walls and silence in order to bring your gifts to the world in the way that you want and that will require doing things that no one else is willing to do and saying things no one else is willing to say.
You will make mistakes.
You will feel things.
You will fuck up. And it’s going to piss you off and hurt. And then it’s going to help you.
You are going to let things go and experience loss. And it’s going to hurt like hell.
And you are going to have moments of the highest heights and you’re going to say: for this, I came.
For this, I am. This, for all of us.