Big Scary Question Marks

This week I’ve been thinking ahead to my next move - to Tuscany. Another set of challenges, a change. I’ve been wondering what I’m going to do after that - do I come back here? Do I stay in Tuscany? How does that work with my two trips back to England over the next few months. Can I make it all work?

Lots of questions. This week I’ve had moments of fear that I haven’t got all the answers yet. It’s all a bit, well, open.

As a ferocious planner, this scares me a little. To not know - to leave some big question marks and to have gaps - is not easy when your whole life you’ve always liked to plan everything out.

But I’m learning how to feel content without knowing the answer to everything. To trust and be open to what comes up.

Yes, it’s a little scary. Especially when people ask me. You know, "So have you got a job then?” and “Where are you going to live in September?” It’s particularly interesting deciding where to book flights back to England from.

The super organised planners amongst you, yes I hear you. I’ve been there. How can you not know? How can you be OK with this?
What happens if you get stuck? And lately - aren’t you scared?

Now, I’m not saying don’t make a big change without a plan. I know that in the midst of a new situation, a new country, I’ve been so grateful for knowing the next thing I’ve got to do. (The day I flew to Italy, I took it step by step…get to the bus stop. Ok, good. Get to Gatwick. Ok, good. Check in, Ok good. It was like that the whole day!)

I’ve got the 6 weeks ahead worked out. But after that: I don’t know.

Becoming OK with not knowing, means you step into the flow of life. You respond to what comes up. You’re more open to adventures and encounters. 'Space' allows life to take over and miracles to happen. You become attuned to the people and ideas and opportunities that come up: you move in flow. 

Even as you begin to step into this trusting place, sometimes things don’t happen as you think they’re going to. Sometimes we have more lessons to learn. Sometimes you just have to wait. 

I’d love a job at the school I’ve been doing the course at. I know the teachers, I know most of the rest of the staff. I know the school, the rooms and how to work the computers there.

But there isn’t work there yet. And there may not be. But instead of panicking, I’m trusting.

It might all sound a bit risky, but the truth is, it’s living. Letting life take you along. Putting faith in yourself that you’ll work it out when the right time comes. Allowing yourself to see all the options and choosing with confidence.

I’ve already experienced this. Looking back, just over the last few months, I’ve seen some wonderful examples:

• Back in March, 10 days before I needed to move house I still hadn’t secured anywhere to live. I had an option, but wasn’t sure if it was the right one…the dates didn’t fit. And then a solution appeared.

• When I was planning my move to Italy, I really felt I had to leave England by June to do teaching course then rather than in July, yet I wasn’t sure what I would do for the summer…. then a wonderful opportunity showed up.

• In the last few weeks and days in England, I had a lot of random possessions to give away…a tent, a barbecue, clothes, some camping chairs and a video camera…and one by one I found the right homes for all of them and all in time.

• And this week, not wanting to lug all my possessions with me to Tuscany for just a month, I’ve had an unexpected offer to store them.

So leave some space for adventure. It’s beautiful.

Create a big empty hole in your diary. It’s scary but it’ll be a lesson in trust.

Throw a request for a solution and move forward with your eyes open, ready for the answer.

Yes, I’m guessing it’s unlike that which you’ve done before….but isn’t that adventure how you actually want to live?